I’m starting to get stressed out about whether I’m prepared for the babies’ arrival. I know I still technically have plenty of time, but there’s so much unknown heading in to the 3rd trimester.

Everything has been going well and at this point there’s no reason to think that I’ll be on bed rest or that they will come too early, but I’d rather be prepared and have everything go as scheduled, than to end up with extra anxiety. I have this strange parallel in my personality because with certain things I’m a huge procrastinator, but with others I’m a total planner. Perhaps it is that with many things, as long as I have it all planned out in my head, I can procrastinate to the very end, but with this I have to actually prepare, not just plan.

I’ve been so focused on the pregnancy that I haven’t started reading up on infant care and I know I have to do that. I do have my registry pretty much done, but besides a very few onesies and pajamas, I have nothing else “baby” in my house. I haven’t registered for the childbirth and CPR classes I know I need to take. I need to start interviewing pediatricians. I honestly could go on and on. Perhaps this is the beginning of the nesting syndrome that has started to cause me anxiety.

Part of the issue too is that I’ve decided to buy a new house that will more comfortably accomodate my family of 3, but the house requires renovations that likely won’t be done until after the babies arrive. This means a makeshift nursery in my current house, which takes some of the fun out of it. I also need to (and started this weekend) pack some stuff to not only make room for the twins, but to also get a head start since once they arrive, I know I won’t have time.

I have multiple lists written down (since I can’t remember anything) and multiple ones in my head. I know I have to take a deep breath and do one thing at a time. I know I’ll never feel fully prepared…how can you be. I simply want to feel like I can bring them home to a comfortable space with at least the bare minimum ready for them.

Sometimes I catch my reflection in mirror, see my baby bump and think “I really am pregnant!”

I’m very much aware that I’m pregnant on a regular basis now. Getting up can be a slow process, bending down to pick something up is hard, sleeping in not totally comfortable, and my ribs hurt on and off all day. But for some reason, seeing that reflection, that change to my body, makes it all hit home.

I’ve always imagined being pregnant and what would happen to my body, but seeing and experiencing it is a whole different story. No matter how overweight I’ve been in my life, I don’t really gain weight in my stomach. It’s stayed more or less flat. This made the first few months of pregnancy hard, body image wise, because even though I knew I was pregnant, I just felt fat and I knew that is what it looked like. Once it started shaping itself, the body image stuff faded somewhat, but it still surprises me to see the belly and it’s only going to get bigger.

I think what strikes me the most is that I finally am pregnant…that at the end of this will come not just one but two children into my life. We all have lots of dreams for our lives and for me this is the first major one that is actually becoming a reality. It’s a dream that didn’t come easily as all of you who’ve read my blog know, yet it still feels like it caught me by surprise.

My belly moved! It was like a ripple or small wave right below my belly button. Amazing!

I have been feeling some flutters that felt more real recently. Today after dinner I was sitting in bed when I felt a more pronounced movement. I looked down and thought I saw a small bump. I lifted my shirt and sure enough there was a small something moving in and out. It probably only lasted a few seconds, but it was incredible.

I know it’s only the beginning and I’ll be seeing it all the time. Eventually I’ll be irritated by being kicked in the ribs or whatever they’ll end up doing, but I’m never going to forget seeing this first alien like protrusion 🙂

Today has been a day full of pregnancy symptoms. I had heartburn for the majority of the day (at least that’s what I think it is) and now my feet and ankles look like sausages. I’m sitting here on my bed, feet propped up, hoping they look semi normal soon. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, so why not week 21.

It’s not like I haven’t been feeling anything else. I noticed that I started waddling a couple of weeks ago. Not necessarily in the morning, but by the end of the day as I leave work, it’s a definite slow waddle. Walking up the stairs is a much slower process that leaves me out of breath. And the main pregnancy issue I’ve been having…PREGNANCY BRAIN! I can’t remember anything. From forgetting what I got up to do (which also happened sometimes before) to leaving my laptop at home one day to forgetting a complete conversation I had with my mom, it’s bad. All you moms tell me it gets worse. I can’t even imagine.

But I have to tell you that aside from all of these things, I’m loving being pregnant. I can’t stop rubbing my belly almost to the point where I get embarrassed when people point it out. I love imaging what these babies are going to be like. I was able to see the two of them last week in my anatomy scan and it was the most amazing thing. Hearing their heartbeats never gets old.

I’ll take the swollen feet, waddling, forgetfulness and all the other things that come with it because at the end of this I get the best reward. I’m so in love with them already.

Crazy hormones and resulting mood swings were something I was worried about before getting pregnant. I think my brothers joked about how they should all steer clear of me. My worry came from everything you hear about the ups and downs, sometimes irrational anger and emotion.

Not pregnant, I am a fairly emotional person. I am one of those that cries during commercials. I cry when any one wins something or accomplishes something great, even though I don’t even know them. Bar mitzvah or wedding speeches kill me. I also can get irritated quickly and my patience can run thin especially at work. I have been known to raise my voice at times. I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is.

So I was worried that being pregnant would make it even worse. The strange thing is that I think the opposite has happened. I actually think the pregnancy has leveled off my hormones. I have been strangely calm…no mood swings. Things that I thought would set off the tears, have not. It’s weird. I know there is still a ways to go, but so far, so good.

This past week has been particularly stressful at work as well as with potentially buying a new home. Besides being visibly exhausted (definite bags under the eyes), I’ve maintained my cool. I think the only time I got visibly pissed off is when I was somewhere for dinner and there was hardly anything I can eat. Lack of food options is the only thing that can set me off!

So as long as you guys all keep me fed then you have nothing to worry about 🙂

Some people have been asking for a belly pic, so here’s one from this past week at 18 weeks 3 days.

There are many life events that are momentous to the person going through them, and perhaps his/her immediate family, but that’s about it. Then there are those life events, like engagements and weddings, where people come out from all periods of your life to congratulate you.

Up until now I’ve had most of the norm momentous occasions: graduations, promotions, buying a new home and probably others. Not having been engaged or married, I really had no idea what it was like to have the outpouring of love from all over the world. I think this is why the reaction to my pregnancy news has been so overwhelming. It’s been touching how many people are sincerely happy for me and sometimes I think more giddy than I am (likely because I have a lot of anxiety too).

Those of you who read my first post about single motherhood back in December 2014, might remember that some of my hesitation was what people would think about the life choice. I knew that I would have some support, but I had no idea how much of it I would get. I am fully aware that there are those who are not supportive and they are likely and thankfully keeping that to themselves, but the amount of people that have reached out not just with congratulations but with volunteers to help has been amazing.

It’s hard not to feel loved and to not feel like my children will be loved and supported just as fully.

I sometimes still can’t believe that there are 2 babies growing inside me. Plus they are now each the size of an avocado! In all seriousness, it was hard for me to accept at first.

Since I started trying to conceive, there were always the people who told me that hopefully I’d have twins and my reply was always “Hopefully not!” I had seen first hand what it’s been like for my brother and sister in law that I understood enough of the reality and how many hands on deck you need. It was going to be hard enough to raise one on my own, let alone two at the same time.

When I went in for my first beta and it was over 600, the thought twins went through my mind. Obviously since I put in two embryos, I knew it was a probability, but it had been all along and I hadn’t gotten pregnant yet. It didn’t seem like such a big risk. When I went in for the second beta and it had more than doubled, I worried about it to myself. At my first ultrasound, the doctor turned the monitor showing one baby and started talking about the heartbeat. The first words out of my mouth were, “Oh, just one!” His response was, “Well actually…” as he then moved the instrument to show the second baby.

I was ecstatic to be pregnant, but the twins aspect felt really overwhelming. Over time I have gotten much more used to the idea and have come to be fully attached to both of them. There are moments when I’m excited about the friendship they will hopefully forge and how at a certain age they will entertain each other. There are other moments where it still terrifies me, but I think that would happen even with one.

It is overwhelming and should be, I guess. I keep thinking about getting two of almost everything and how much baby stuff I’ll accumulate pretty quickly. Those kinds of things are stressful. But then I also think about double the love, about how they will each have their unique personalities, and most importantly how I was able to give them a sibling which may not have happened if I’d tried to conceive a second time.

This is the longest I’ve gone without a doctor’s appointment in probably a year. Instead of putting me at ease, it actually makes me more nervous. The last time I went to the OB was February 19th. My next appointment is finally this coming Wednesday.

I know this is normal frequency, but after coming from fertility treatments it feels weird not to get checked every week or two. Even when I found out I was pregnant, I had two ultrasounds with the fertility doctor before getting released to my OB.Then with my OB I’ve had two more. I basically got to see the babies every two weeks from when an ultrasound was first possible. Not having seen them for over three weeks now makes me anxious.

I guess that the bright side of having a high risk pregnancy (not only is it twins, but I’m of advanced maternal age) is that I get to see a perinatologist as well, meaning that I’ll have much more frequent ultrasounds than a regular pregnancy. I knew it was good to get pregnant in my late 30’s for a reason!

My belly bump continues to grow which is a good sign that all is progressing. The morning sickness is more or less gone…just some mild nausea in the evening. I’m feeling better in this second trimester. I feel like I have to get as much done in the next couple of months before the 3rd trimester comes around.

Everything is starting to feel more real.

It has definitely felt more real that I’m pregnant lately. There is the fact that lots of people know and then there’s also my belly, which is starting to look more like a pregnancy belly than just fat. I am feeling much better than I was. I have more energy and the mornings this week have been manageable. If I don’t eat every hour, I am OK and don’t end up washed over by a wave of nausea. All in all what they say about the 2nd trimester has started proving itself to be true.

Now that the word is out there, some people who don’t read the blog, have been asking questions on what it took to get here. I’ve started to get some questions about the donor and I was almost embarrassed for not remembering anything. I actually had to pull up the information I printed to remind myself. It’s strange how it was a decision that was so stressful when I made it and then once I bought those vials, I never really thought about him again. There was no reason to really. This whole process was between me and my child(ren) to be and he is nothing more than a donor.

I’m sure when the babies are born I’ll think of him. I’ll look at them trying to figure out who they look like or where they got certain personality traits from. I’ll always have a scapegoat when one of them is being a terror; I can think to myself “Oh, they must get that from the donor! I don’t have a temper like that.”

I will always be thankful to the donor, of course, but this family that I’m creating is me and those twins.

I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone for their well wishes, love and support. It has been quite overwhelming (in a good way) to hear from many people from different periods of my life, as well as from those that have “met” me through this blog. My twins also already have lots of friends with so many people being due in the next few months!

I had to come to California this week for work (and will be back next week) and the travel has been a little exhausting. I flew out Monday on a 7 AM flight in a cramped, pretty old American Airlines plane, with a middle seat. I somehow survived the 6 hour flight and thankfully had brought lots of snacks with me. The people next to me had to have thought I was crazy because I kept pulling different things out of my bag: nuts, apples, PB&J sandwich, etc.

The pat downs at the airport for opting out of going through the radiation machine are also pretty invasive. At least the woman this morning was friendly while she felt me up.

I checked my bag on Monday because I didn’t want to have to worry about lifting it and then of course it did not show up in San Francisco. I got to the office around 1 PM PST and had a full afternoon. At least I ended the day with a nice dinner with a friend, but by the time I got to the hotel I was exhausted and my bag had still not arrived! I was about to just go to sleep because I couldn’t stay awake any longer when it finally arrived.

I am now on a flight back to FL and thankfully have an aisle seat in the exit row. Much more comfortable, especially since I hate bothering people to get up and I’ve already used the bathroom twice!

I’m definitely adjusting to people knowing that I’m pregnant (well most work people still don’t know), but I think it’s for the best since I’m definitely beginning to show. I don’t think I can really hide it much longer even with all the loose shirts I’ve been wearing. I’m so happy I bought some maternity pants last week because they have been my life saver the last few days. I can’t imaging traveling with the button of my jeans pressing against my belly!

Any how, thanks again to all of you for your support. For all of you concerned about my morning sickness, it does keep getting better, so it looks like hopefully only a couple of more weeks to deal with that!