The most common phrase I hear from people lately is “It will happen when you stop thinking about it.” I know they mean well and typically I just smile and say, “Yeah, I guess.” What I really want to say is that I have to think about it. I’m not agreeing with my husband that we’ll take the pressure off and just see what/when it happens by going about our normal routines and sex life. I have to make appointments for blood tests and monitoring. I have to remember to take several pills a day. I have to be home between 7-9 PM for about 12 days in order to give myself shots at the exact time. It’s impossible not think about it. I can imagine it’s even impossible for married couples as I can’t expect just turning off the switch in my brain that’s running the loop “I want to get pregnant. I need to get pregnant. Am I ever going to get pregnant?”

Aside from that, I’ll say that I have felt better this week than I have in weeks. I’m exhausted from work, but at least I feel emotionally like my normal self again. Earlier this week as I was getting ready for bed, I all of a sudden had this calming feeling of feeling like me. It’s been over a week since I’ve been off anything messing with my hormones, so that helps.

This coming Wednesday I have the post-IVF consult with my doctor, so we’ll talk about next steps including when I can try again and what we might do differently. Next weekend I’m going away with my mom for a long weekend and I’m really looking forward to it. After it was clear that I had a CP, I decided I just needed to get out of town and try to truly relax before my next try. While I likely will still be thinking about all of this, it will be the closest I’ll get to forgetting about it for awhile and hopefully that will have a positive affect on the next try.

I had another blood test on Tuesday and my beta went down, which was basically the confirmation that it was not a viable pregnancy and was in fact a chemical pregnancy.

It’s been tough. It’s hard to not think about it and it’s difficult to stay hopeful through all of this. On the SMC forum many of us have signatures that show where we are in the process. Things like “IUI #1 – NTT” or “Your name – kids name and year born” or a very long list of all the IUI and IVF tries and then BFP (big fat positive). Next to some there’s a CP for chemical pregnancy. Now my signature carries a CP.

I remember when I first started on this journey, I’d look at the other women’s signatures in awe of how long they had been at TTC and the hope seeing those that eventually did end up with a child. For every heartache that I experience, there’s someone who has experienced more than me. I don’t wish even one NTT on anyone.

As I’ve grieved over the last week or so, I’ve kept thinking about how much I want this and how I hope it does happen for me. It’s a fine line between being optimistic, but also wanting to be realistic. Each try there has been a potential due date starting with January 1st based on my first IUI cycle. As that original due date grows closer and I see others on the forum who are now gearing up for their third trimester, it hurts. I’m happy for them, but it hurts for me. I think I need to stop paying attention to those dates. It makes it worse to see them approaching. I need to somehow get my life back while still continuing on this journey. Living in these 2 week periods and gauging time by doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds and inseminations is making me in a way sleep walk through my life. There’s been no more yoga, very little cooking and isolation.

The last week has been an emotional roller coaster and I still don’t know where I stand. I feel drained and kind of helpless.

A week ago I started feeling similar to how I’ve felt every cycle right before getting my period. On the Crinone (type of progesterone I’m on), I don’t usually get my period until I stop it, but all the same symptoms were there. I had several breakdowns over the weekend trying to remain positive and think that IVF was different than IUI so what I have felt before might not mean anything this time.

Tuesday afternoon I had some light bleeding. Even though my beta (pregnancy blood test) was the next morning, I decided to take a home pregnancy test to just know one way or the other. The test came back negative and I fell into an even deeper funk. Tears continually falling and all the thoughts of where this process has led me. I could never have imagined that it would be this hard and that it would take this long. After months of IUI’s and then now days of shots, a retrieval, and a transfer, I felt defeated. My mind kept running with what else I could be doing to finally get pregnant. When I started this process my sister in law and had just found out she was pregnant. She know had the baby and I’m still not pregnant.

I went into the beta on Wednesday. The nurse seemed so hopeful as she took my blood and I just start bawling. Right there in the doctor’s office! I couldn’t help myself. It just all felt like too much. I drove to work with my eyes welling up with tears every time I thought I had already calmed myself down. At around 2 PM I saw “IVF Florida” flash on my phone and stepped out of the meeting I was in. It was the doctor calling. I already knew it was bad and then now the doctor is calling! He never calls. It’s always a nurse. He said (or at least what I heard was, “So it looks like it’s time to start buckling down.” I totally that he would follow it with something like needing to up the meds next time, but then he told me I had a low positive! My response was “Really?” I couldn’t believe, but I also knew enough not to get too excited yet.

He told me that it is low, but it’s a positive and that I needed to go back on Friday for another beta. The goal is to see the result doubling. I was at 27 and so they’d be looking for a result closer to 60. It seemed surreal to me and I tried to keep a mix of positivity and realism, but it was hard not to get excited.

*Warning – this might be TMI* Thursday evening as I went to the bathroom, I noticed something that looked like wet white tissue in the toilet. It totally freaked me out. I was convinced it was tissue from inside my uterus and that this was it. By Friday morning I had bleeding similar to a light flow. I went in for the beta and held it together this time. I just wanted to get in and out of there without shedding any tears. As the day went on my bleeding got heavier and I started getting pretty bad cramps.

The nurse called this time and I could tell from her voice it wasn’t good. In my mind, I had already diagnosed myself with having an early miscarriage. She told me that the beta went up to 37. It’s not the doubling that they like to see, but it hasn’t gone down, so the doctor wants me to come back on Tuesday for another beta. I told her all of the things I was experiencing and she said it doesn’t necessarily mean a miscarriage (she didn’t sound too convincing) and that I should continue taking my meds and come back Tuesday.

I know I was wrong earlier in the week thinking that it was definitely a negative, but at the same time I know how my body is feeling right now. The heavy bleeding and cramps have to mean something. This is heart breaking enough that I’d rather grieve and move on to the next instead of staying in this limbo I’m currently in.

I really do not need to hear from people to stay positive. You try doing that in my shoes. I do need time to grieve or to deal with whatever it is that is happening inside my body. Allow me to feel my feelings without needing to put up a front that it’s all going to turn out OK. None of us know that.