I typically don’t tell anyone when I’m going on a first date. It’s not that I’m hiding anything. It’s just that I’d rather not have the added pressure of all the questions or checking in with me before and after the date.

In the beginning, I used to tell at least one person, but soon I realized that it ended up making my expectations even higher than they were before. When it didn’t go well, it felt like I was letting down my friends or family. It wasn’t enough that I was disappointed, but now I had disappointed someone else. It felt better to just go on the date and tell them later with much less fan fare and when I was ready to talk about it.

This is why me being so open about trying to conceive is against my character. It’s the same kind of feeling in terms of pressure and expectations. Every time I have a failed cycle, I feel the dread of having to spread the news. Each month during the TWW, I get comments and questions ranging from “How are you feeling?” to “Soon we will have another baby in the family!” Each stings me in different ways. Sometimes I wonder if it makes this process harder than it needs to be. I’m happy that my family and close friends are so supportive of me. Some women doing this aren’t so lucky. It’s only that I hate feeling like I’m letting everyone down when I don’t get pregnant. I’m already devastated enough each time and at times it makes me feel that I have to be strong for them instead of letting myself feel the emotions I’m feeling.

I’m not saying that I’m going to stop sharing. I still feel strongly about doing that for those other women who are thinking about this or going through the same process. I appreciate the support I’ve gotten…I don’t want everyone to think that I don’t.