I had another blood test on Tuesday and my beta went down, which was basically the confirmation that it was not a viable pregnancy and was in fact a chemical pregnancy.

It’s been tough. It’s hard to not think about it and it’s difficult to stay hopeful through all of this. On the SMC forum many of us have signatures that show where we are in the process. Things like “IUI #1 – NTT” or “Your name – kids name and year born” or a very long list of all the IUI and IVF tries and then BFP (big fat positive). Next to some there’s a CP for chemical pregnancy. Now my signature carries a CP.

I remember when I first started on this journey, I’d look at the other women’s signatures in awe of how long they had been at TTC and the hope seeing those that eventually did end up with a child. For every heartache that I experience, there’s someone who has experienced more than me. I don’t wish even one NTT on anyone.

As I’ve grieved over the last week or so, I’ve kept thinking about how much I want this and how I hope it does happen for me. It’s a fine line between being optimistic, but also wanting to be realistic. Each try there has been a potential due date starting with January 1st based on my first IUI cycle. As that original due date grows closer and I see others on the forum who are now gearing up for their third trimester, it hurts. I’m happy for them, but it hurts for me. I think I need to stop paying attention to those dates. It makes it worse to see them approaching. I need to somehow get my life back while still continuing on this journey. Living in these 2 week periods and gauging time by doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds and inseminations is making me in a way sleep walk through my life. There’s been no more yoga, very little cooking and isolation.