I have for the most part pushed out of my mind that having a child on my own would be selfish. For awhile I heavily considered adoption, which is still on the table, however I’m leaning more heavily to carrying my own child.

Adoption felt like an avenue that would truly be unselfish because I’d be giving a child a home who may otherwise not have one. I also wouldn’t be “robbing” anyone of a two parent home if the other option was no parents. I’ve always thought about adoption. Even when I was younger I considered conceiving a couple of children and then also adopting.

The ultimate truth, though, is that I’d prefer to experience pregnancy. I know it won’t be magical all the time. My feet swell now, so I can only imagine. But I’d like to feel someone growing inside me: the kicks, the heartbeat, and that undeniable connection. If I can get pregnant I’d like to.

I still have doubts that flow through my head. One minute I think this is a great idea and the next I think I’m crazy, so what I’ve decided to do so far is research and start down the initial path for trying to conceive. I’ve been reading up. I joined Single Mother by Choice (SMC), which has an amazing online forum with tons of women who are thinking about this, who are pregnant and/or already have children of their own. The forum has been enlightening, comforting and stressful all at once. There’s so much I hadn’t even thought of when it comes to sperm banks and making that choice, fertility, and questions to ask your doctor.

It is a bit overwhelming and I don’t know if in the end I’ll go through with it, but I’m starting down that path. I want to go to the doctor and understand where I should be starting. I want to start prepping my body for pregnancy in case that is my final decision. While doing that, I’m still keeping my eyes open for a potential suitor…still weeding through online dating sites to see if there’s a hidden gem.

I plan to continue sharing my path with you. I’ll share my doubts, the ups and downs and where this all may lead.