I’m an avid reader, but I go through phases. It’s sometimes hard for me to start a book, but once I get into it I can devour it in a few days (sometimes in 1 day). Until recently I was on a plane to California once a month, so was reading a book every 1-2 months. Without those plane rides, I had accumulated a pile of unread books. I still buy them, I just don’t start them 🙂

As I started going to the doctor’s office more often, I realized it was the perfect opportunity to get back into my reading. On my way to the last IUI a few weeks ago, I was looking through my pile and then remembered that I had bought a non-fiction book (sort of self help) and had started it sometime in the fall only to have left it to get dusty on my nightstand. It seemed like the perfect thing to be reading right now.

The book is called The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown. I had once seen a TED talk with Brown where she talks about vulnerability. I highly recommend it. It spoke to me because I know that most of the time, I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable which in turn affects my relationships with people and trying new things. So when I was in the bookstore months ago and saw her book, I figured it couldn’t hurt to read it.

Last Sunday as I sat in the waiting room reading, I came across this part in the book talking about how our current culture of instant gratification makes you think that anything that doesn’t come easy or fast is a poor reflection on you.

The part that struck me was, “When we experience something that is difficult and requires significant time and effort, we are quick to think, This is supposed to be easy; it’s not worth the effort, or, This should be easier:it’s only hard and slow because I’m not good at it. Hopeful self-talk sounds more like, This is tough, but I can do it.

There I was feeling defeated after a second IUI cycle…feeling like there has to be something wrong with me and then I read that passage. It’s what I needed to read in the moment. It helped in that moment, but I’ve had trouble continuing to believe it. I’m forging ahead with this next cycle and trying to stay positive, but it has been harder this time around.

My emotions are all over the place and I worry that this will take months or that it won’t work at all. I am trying to push away the negativity and defeat. I’m trying, which is my way of acknowledging the roughness of this, but still believing that this will happen for me.