My blog has gone viral. Well, sort of. I guess it’s all relative. I went from having maybe 30 people visit my site in a day to reaching 90. Let me explain. The SMC forum that I belong to also has a blog. Once a week they put up a new blog post from different contributors and a couple of weeks ago it was one of my posts. It was the post from back in December titled Motherhood.

That post was very personal to me because it was actually an essay that I had worked on for about a year when I was thinking of becoming an SMC. I had started writing it for myself and had then used it in a writing class I was taking. When I announced on my blog my thoughts of becoming a single mother of choice, I used that essay.

I hadn’t read it since then until I saw it up on the SMC website and it felt different. I wrote it way before I knew realistically what it was going to like to become an SMC. While all those thoughts are still valid, and some of those doubts still run through my head, I have such a different perspective on it now. I know so much more.

The last 5 months have been an emotional roller coaster. There’s the excitement of finally moving forward with this, the anxiety over all the waiting, the heartbreak of a negative pregnancy test, and the determination of moving forward to the next cycle. If I wanted something to push me out of my comfort zone, this was definitely it. While I might seem very vocal and open due to this blog, I am actually not in “my real life.” I don’t talk too much about my feelings unless specifically asked. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. It takes a lot out of me to make small talk. I don’t like depending on others and really prefer to do things myself. I hardly even ever go to doctors because I hate calling to make appointments.

I now have a rapport with many of the nurses. I call my doctor’s office almost every week. I have pretty much made myself completely vulnerable on this blog, including on the SMC site by having my blog published there. And most of all, making the decision to be an SMC means that I know I am going to have to rely on others. I am going to need the help of family and friends to survive emotionally.

Reading that old post helps me remember how I came to this decision and why I want this so badly. It’s a good reminder to keep me moving towards my end goal. I’m 4 days in to my TWW, so trying not to think too much about it, but definitely hoping for the outcome I want.