I know it has been awhile, but something about this IVF go around made me want to keep the process more private. It wasn’t anything in particular about it, but simply that sometimes it gets difficult to focus on myself and the process when I know others know all these details.

It’s been a much more internal process this time, however it’s also been a less crazy one. The first IVF egg retrieval, transfer and TWW all coincided with the Jewish holidays as well as the birth of my niece. There was a lot going on and it added to the stress of the whole process. This go around, besides worrying that the retrieval would end up on the same day as the office holiday party I was planning (500 people!), there wasn’t too much else going on. It has definitely helped. I’m hoping it yields positive results, but only time will tell.

Over the last couple of days I have been thinking about the fact that if my first IUI had worked, I would be due any day now. It’s kind of crazy to think that. I remember talking with my father about the fact that he would have to spend New Year’s at home this year if he wanted to be around for the birth. There were lots of moments like those throughout the process. With each try I calculated the potential due date and so when my mom would mention a wedding or reunion out of the country, I’d tell her that she’d have to wait and see if she could go. At some point I stopped calculating the actual due date. It put too much pressure on those dates and I was starting to dread when they would come up and I’d be reminded of each failed attempt.

As January 1st approaches, I think I’m OK with it. Do I wish I was already pregnant? Of course. Would it have been better emotionally, physically and financially for me if this process wasn’t so long? Sure. The thing is that, at a bare minimum, this year taught me how much I can actually handle and how much I really want this.