I am thrilled to announce that I’m pregnant!

Many you may have already guessed from my radio silence for the last couple of months. I had fully intended to keep writing about random topics, but I could never figure out what to say that wasn’t about finally being pregnant.

I got my positive beta test on December 28th. It was 612, which was a vast improvement from last try were it was 27. I was tentatively excited. The second beta seemed to be what would really make me believe that this was actually happening. I had that second test on New Year’s Eve and it had doubled! That was the point when I felt comfortable enough telling my siblings. It all still felt surreal and I’ve got to say that even today at 12 weeks, after multiple ultrasounds, and major morning sickness, it still sometimes doesn’t feel real.

While I’ve started to feel better, the morning sickness has been pretty awful. The mornings are rough…really rough. I have to do everything in slow motion. I eat almost every hour on the hour and some days struggled to stay awake in the middle of the work day. Through all of the sickness, I just keep thinking that it’s proof that I’m pregnant and that the babies are growing like they should.

That’s right, I said babies! It’s twins! Even though I always knew that was a possibility, it has still been an adjustment to the idea of two, but I really couldn’t be happier. I hope you all understand why I stayed quiet until now and I’m very excited to continue sharing my story with you!

The way time passes or feels is strange. People, including myself, always talk about time flying by and it sounds so cliche. The thing is that it’s true, at least sometimes.

There are parts of the last year that have felt slow going throughout this whole process, but when I think about the year as whole it definitely flew. There are milestones or moments in life that ground you to how many years have gone by and you wonder how. In May it will be 15 years that I graduated from college. 15 years! From college, not high school! That just seems insane. I still remember moments at Smith like they were yesterday.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I guess I’m just feeling introspective about what all those years have brought to my life. I have nothing groundbreaking to say about time…simply that it’s strange.

I know it has been awhile, but something about this IVF go around made me want to keep the process more private. It wasn’t anything in particular about it, but simply that sometimes it gets difficult to focus on myself and the process when I know others know all these details.

It’s been a much more internal process this time, however it’s also been a less crazy one. The first IVF egg retrieval, transfer and TWW all coincided with the Jewish holidays as well as the birth of my niece. There was a lot going on and it added to the stress of the whole process. This go around, besides worrying that the retrieval would end up on the same day as the office holiday party I was planning (500 people!), there wasn’t too much else going on. It has definitely helped. I’m hoping it yields positive results, but only time will tell.

Over the last couple of days I have been thinking about the fact that if my first IUI had worked, I would be due any day now. It’s kind of crazy to think that. I remember talking with my father about the fact that he would have to spend New Year’s at home this year if he wanted to be around for the birth. There were lots of moments like those throughout the process. With each try I calculated the potential due date and so when my mom would mention a wedding or reunion out of the country, I’d tell her that she’d have to wait and see if she could go. At some point I stopped calculating the actual due date. It put too much pressure on those dates and I was starting to dread when they would come up and I’d be reminded of each failed attempt.

As January 1st approaches, I think I’m OK with it. Do I wish I was already pregnant? Of course. Would it have been better emotionally, physically and financially for me if this process wasn’t so long? Sure. The thing is that, at a bare minimum, this year taught me how much I can actually handle and how much I really want this.

Yesterday I went in for my egg retrieval and I am happy to report that they retrieved 14 eggs! This morning they called with a fertilization report and 10 out of the 14 fertilized. This is amazing news!

Some of you might recall that last time, they only retrieved 5 so I started off with lower odds of success. The change in protocol seems to have worked in getting me to produce more mature follicles this go around. The quantity doesn’t dictate the quality, but at least I have more to work with.

The next few days will dictate what happens next in terms of transfer date. They monitor the embryos and make decisions on whether I’ll do a day 3 or day 5 transfer. It will also allow us to see how many actually would make it to day 5 for freezing. Even though I had 4 fertilize in September, none made it to freeze (I transferred two). I am cautiously optimistic about my chances this time around.

I am happy with the results so far and can’t wait to hear more of the fertilization reports in the next couple of days. Hopefully there’s only more good news to come.

Yesterday I had a day like I hadn’t had in awhile. It was a day that had the perfect mix of being out and about plus relaxation. Besides the very early start, it was a good day.

I had an early morning monitoring appointment that required me to leave the house before 7 AM on a Saturday, but that also made it so that I was at the mall before the stores even opened. This is the time of year when I avoid the mall, but getting there just before 10 and not having to fight through any crowds or for a parking spot was great. I went to use my yearly 15% off discount birthday treat from Anthropologie! I basically had the store to myself, which was an added bonus.

It was very rainy yesterday, so what other better thing to do than to watch a movie. An 11 AM adult movie also meant very little crowds and quiet in the theatre. I saw Secret in their Eyes. I highly recommend. It had it’s pretty intense moments with twists and turns that I didn’t see coming.

I spent my afternoon watching the Top Chef episodes on my DVR and taking a nice nap and then topped off the night with Chinese food and friends. Besides starting the day with an appointment and ending it with shots, it was a day that made me feel like the pre TTC me.

While this 2nd round of IVF still has the same stresses, I’m trying to approach it differently. I’m trying to go with the flow and take care of myself mentally. I have my moments of agonizing over the quantity of follicles and when the retrieval date might end up being, but overall I think I’m doing OK. While I hated taking 3 months off between tries, it seems to have really helped.

I’m hoping for a good birthday week ahead and a retrieval next weekend!

It’s like riding a bike…you never forget.

Those are words that I don’t necessarily believe because I haven’t ridden a bike in 20 years and I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be any good at it. In the spirit of the saying, however, injecting myself with stimulation meds is like riding a bike 🙂

Timing was on my side and I went in for my day 2 ultrasound and blood work on Monday. I just did my 3rd night of injections. It’s kind of scary how naturally it all comes to me now. There’s no hesitation. I’m an expert at prepping, sanitizing and stabbing myself.

I’m still feeling relatively normal. There’s been no major bloat yet, my hormones seem under control and I’m not exhausted yet like I was last time. I know all can change in the blink of an eye, but for now I’m feeling good. I go in for another monitoring appointment tomorrow and will likely be going every other day (at a minimum) until next weekend.

It’s strange that these nightly injection routines have become easy. I feel oddly at peace this go around. It’s probably the forced time off and having been drug free for awhile. I’m hoping these are good signs for the cycle to come and that I go into the new year with positive news.

I’m back into the mode of looking at a calendar at least once a day to estimate when I might start my next cycle or when I would be perhaps getting the retrieval done, etc. It’s a strange addiction that comes with TTC. I need to look at every scenario and figure it out. Will I have to give myself the trigger shot during the holiday party? Will I be feeling bloated and gross on my birthday from swollen and full ovaries? Will the timing even work out for a December IVF cycle?

That last question is the one that hadn’t even dawned on me, but is now stressing me out. I started estrogen patches on Friday. When I called to ask the nurse a question, she very nicely plotted out all the dates for me so she could estimate when I’d start stimulation meds.

“You were told that we’re closed for 2 weeks in December, right?”

Silence on my end although my heart rate immediately started racing as I panicked.

“The last day for you to start stimulation and still make it in time is December 1st” she continued.

I stared at the calendar hanging in my office counting days even though I knew full well that December 1st is the day my period is due if it’s an exact 4 week cycle. It would suck to miss it by 1-2 days! In the past, I wouldn’t have been so worried. When not on progesterone, my cycles were shorter so it would be highly likely for December 1st to be no issue at all. However, my last cycle was 32 days and I have no idea what my body will do while on the estrogen.

“Is there anything I can do to get my period sooner?” I asked. “Will the cetrotide (which I start on the 27th) make any difference?”

“Not really…although some women get their period even before starting the cetrotide.”

Another panicked look at the calendar. I’ll be out of town Wednesday through Friday! I can’t miss my window for getting the blood work and ultrasound on day 2-3. I can’t even fathom having to wait until January. There’s nothing I can do about it. The “sweet spot” is obviously that my cycle starts this weekend, but even if it’s Thursday or Friday, I’d still make it in for the monitoring appointment. It really comes down to hoping that I have no longer than a 27 day cycle right now.

Oh the joys of the human body and having little to no control of when and how things happen!

We’ve reached the time of year when adults start to say to each other, “Where did the year go?” or “Can you believe it’s almost December?” I’ve had that conversation with at least 3 people in the last week.

Having a December birthday has meant, for me at least, a lot of reflection this time of year. Not only do I start thinking about what happened over the past year (2015), but also what has happened since I turned [insert age here]. Some years I have felt accomplished, but many years I have felt that I stayed still and didn’t accomplish much of what I had set out to do when the year began.

If I look at it from my usual perspective, then I’d tell you that since turning 35 not much has changed. If anything I am chubbier and much more a loner than I was at 34. If I pretend I’m a glass half full kind of gal (fake it till you make it!), then I’d tell you that I realized how strong yet vulnerable I could be this year. I’d tell you that I had a lot more determination and guts than I thought I had. Not only have I been going after a dream without giving up, but I’ve also taken on a new role at work that has forced me out of my comfort zone.

Do I wish I was already pregnant? Of course. I wish I was sitting here writing about the impending birth of my child. For whatever reason that hasn’t happened for me yet, but I have high hopes for my life at 36. Hopefully this time next year, I can be telling you about how I’m too tired to think about all that I accomplished in the past year.

As difficult as all these months of blood tests, ultrasounds and hormones have been, I’d strangely gotten used to the routine. It feels weird not to be going to the doctor’s office at least once a week…to not be spending at least one weekend morning driving an hour away to get an ultrasound.

Without even realizing it, I had gotten used to all of it. It wasn’t just the doctor’s appointments, but it was living my life in 2 week increments. I have felt off balance without the routine and I have felt like this “break” means I’m not trying hard enough. I know that’s ridiculous because it wasn’t a self imposed break, but it still makes me feel like I’ve been wasting time that I don’t have.

Thankfully, I’m back into my 2 week increments as I wait to ovulate and then start estrogen patches leading into my next cycle. Before I know it, I’ll be back to the nightly injections and almost daily monitoring appointments.

I really hope that this break and the new protocol will increase my chances this go around. I’d love for all the doctor’s appointments to be related to my pregnancy rather than what seems like an endless road of TTC.

A week ago I was at the beautiful Nizuc resort in Mexico feeling totally relaxed. It was a great idea to get leave town for a weekend and it was a much needed weekend of just eating, sleeping, reading and spa.

I have been focusing on letting go of stress related to “trying for baby.” Sometimes I’m successful and other times, not so much. I did have the post IVF consult with my doctor last week and we’re going to change up protocol a little bit with the next try.

Last try I took birth control pills the cycle prior to IVF. The pills are a form of suppression, so that when you stop and then start taking the stimulation meds, you should start seeing more follicle growth at a faster rate. The doctor said that some women with sensitive ovaries end up having a different effect, which is what apparently happened to me. By day 5 of meds it was like nothing was happening. Then it started too, but not at the rate he was hoping or expecting based on my response during my IUI tries.

So this next time, I’m going to start estrogen patches about a week after ovulation which is a milder form of supression (at least that’s what I understood). Then, once I start the stimulation meds, we’re going to start at a higher dosage. Both those things combined should result in a greater response. This at least would give me more eggs to fertilize and hopefully a wider pool of embryos to consider transferring.

Right now I am just waiting for my period to arrive. I spent all those months wishing it would not come and it usually came early. Now I’m late and I just want to get started. It’s murphy’s law, of course. I think my body is just out of whack from the chemical pregnancy. It’ll be about 3 weeks from now that I start the estrogen and then about a week after that would start stims again. I’m guessing retrieval will be mid-December.