“Not Pregnant”

That’s what was staring back at me when my 3 minute timer went off yesterday morning after taking my first home pregnancy test. It was 12 days post my first IUI and although it was 3 days sooner than I was told to test, I couldn’t help myself.

My heart sank as I saw the word “NOT.” I really thought I was pregnant. I was sure of it. Even going into this with a level head and knowing that it’s rare to get pregnant on the first try, I thought I was one of those few lucky ones. I had felt differently the last week and a half then I have before, feeling weird cramps coming from what I assumed was my uterus.
While seeing the result felt disheartening, I was still holding out hope that it was a false negative for testing too early. I somehow almost immediately, like if it was mental, started getting bad menstrual cramps. I can identify what those feel like unlike the cramps I had been feeling last week. The ones I was feeling now used to paralyze me in high school. I tried to ignore them and forge ahead getting ready for work. I was not even to I-95 when I had to turn back around and head home because the cramps were so bad.

I spent the day at home answering work emails, sulking and googling the likelihood of still getting a positive after a negative 12 days post IUI. Every time I read that it could happen, I tried to keep my hopes up. That was until in the evening when my period came and I knew for sure this cycle didn’t work out for me.

I have to tell you that I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I thought I had prepped myself for the inevitably of the first time not working out, but it was still devastating and heartbreaking. While now I am feeling a little better, it was hard to think about this morning without my eyes getting watery. I went in to the doctor for my CD2 ultrasound and to get my Clomid prescription and I felt sad. There’s no other way to explain it. Doing this last month felt so hopeful, like the beginning of something. While I know I should approach this the same, it felt more like being back there because I failed. I know that’s not true and that I didn’t fail at anything. I know what the rational, practical way to feel is, but it’s just not the way I feel. I also know that it was only one try and women go through this for months and years, so I don’t have a right to feel so defeated yet.

I know all of that, but I just needed a day to throw myself a pity party. Now I need to get positive thoughts rolling around to help me with this next try. Here’s hoping that this cycle has a better outcome.