Here we go again. Another failed cycle. Another CD2 ultrasound. Another Clomid prescription.

I spent the days since my last IUI trying not to read too much into what I was feeling. It’s harder said than done. I think I did pretty well the first week, but then it was like going from 1 minute thinking I was pregnant because I fell asleep at 9 pm to the next minute thinking that it had nothing to do with it. I ate a piece of broccoli and spit it out because it tasted so off, which I interpreted to mean I was pregnant. I could go on and on about all the “signs.”

The thing is that I keep thinking that what I’m feeling is not in my mind. That the egg is actually being fertilized and the embryo is making it’s way to my uterus. I’ve started to convince myself that the issue is with implantation because my luteal phase (the time from ovulation to getting my period) is too short. My body isn’t allowing enough time for implantation.

I started feeling this well around the time of my last IUI when I realized that my last 2 cycles had been around 24-25 days instead of 28. Ever since high school I had had short cycles, but in my adult life I had been on the pill so long that I didn’t know what my body would do now. I went off the pill in December and my first 2 cycles were exactly 28 days. The funny thing is that when I was younger I thought that getting my period more often meant that I must be super fertile! Yeah, I guess I didn’t really pay too much attention in biology class or wherever they teach you all of this stuff.

Anyway, I brought it up with the nurse when I went into the IUI. She didn’t seem too worried, but had the doctor call me. When we spoke he said he was very pleased with my reaction to Clomid this cycle. I had 2 mature follicles and maybe even a 3rd on the cusp. When I told him that my previous cycle had only been 24 days he did sound a little worried, but he said that with the amount of mature follicles I should be producing more progesterone and that he still had high hopes. He did say that if I had another short cycle, that I should make an appointment to sit down and talk with him because we might be dealing with an issue we didn’t know we had.

Sure enough, another 24 day cycle. I have faith in my doctor, so that’s a good thing. At the same time, I am starting to think this is going to be a much longer journey than I thought. We might have to try different things before we get this right and now of course I’m also worried that I might not be able to get pregnant at all. I know I’m jumping to conclusions, but it’s hard not to. I see women on the SMC site who have been at this for months and years and I don’t know how they push through. It’s like a knife slicing through my heart each time…a little more painful each time.

A year ago today I published my first blog post. Blogging is something I had thought about for a while, but had hesitated partly from not being sure how it would be received and partly because of my over analytical nature that prevented me from doing a lot of things I was thinking about.

When I deciding to take a pause with work last year, I figured why not. It helped to think about it in terms of something I was just doing for myself; if no one read it, it was OK. At a minimum I’d get to practice my writing and see where that led me.

I haven’t always been as consistent as I’ve liked with my posts, but I have enjoyed it. I’ve liked receiving comments from you whether via the blog or in conversation. It’s been nice to in a way reconnect with people who have played important roles in my life even if we don’t remain close today.

Over the last few months, the blog has been more focused on this path to motherhood that I’m on. I don’t intend for it to only be focused on this and do hope to be able to touch on different subjects that are important in my life or that I want to share. It’s been difficult for me to write about other subjects because most days it feels like I have a one track mind, but I know eventually I’ll expand that horizon again.

Thank you to all of you that have humored me by reading and subscribing to my blog, to those of you who have truly been invested in my journey, and to the support you have all shown.

I was laying there feet in stirrups, legs wide open as 3 people tried to figure out how to get a catheter in my cervix.

That was what today’s IUI was like and through my discomfort all I could do was laugh. If this is the cycle I get pregnant, it will be an amusing story to tell my child of how s/he was conceived.

For the 3 IUI’s I’d had prior to today (2 last cycle and 1 yesterday) I had the same nurse. During the 1st IUI she had some issues and it took maybe 10 minutes of her trying and moving the speculum around to get it to work. The other 2 times it took all of 1 minute.

Today I had another nurse. She was having trouble inserting the catheter and while completely friendly, at first I thought that she just didn’t have the patience the other nurse had had. She tried for a little bit and then got a different catheter she said might bend more easily. Then she changed the speculum. She said some women have what would seem to be 2 openings in their cervix with one being a dead end. After no success, she said she was going to get a doctor to assist.

Ten minutes later, in walks the nurse, doctor and medical student (it’s a teaching practice). The doctor pulled up my last ultrasound to get a feel for what he might be dealing with and said I had a wavy entrance to my uterus. He continued with “It would be fun for sledding but not for this.” All I could then think of was the sperm sledding into the uterus!

Then I found myself with all three of them in front of me trying different catheters. They even ended up giving me local anesthesia. What could take minutes took half and hour, but I walked out with the IUI completed and a good story to tell.

I’m hoping it means good luck for this cycle!

Last night I must have slept 4 hours at most as I was a bundle of nerves tossing and turning. Last cycle I was eerily calm when it came time for the IUI but this month I can’t shut my brain off.

I’ve felt like timing is off or something this month even though it’s not so off base. Last month I got a positive Ovulation Predictor Test on the evening of CD13, so I went straight in for an IUI the next day instead of going in for the CD14 ultrasound and blood work. I was expecting this month to go the same, so when last night the 2 tests I took were negative, I started to get nervous.

It doesn’t help that I have a busy work week. My job is completely different now and I’ve been more concentrated on one project that has required some long meetings every couple of weeks, while the in between time I can be a little more flexible with my schedule. Of course, the next round of full 2 day meetings fall Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. I had to tell the consultant I’m working with that I’ll be late to the meeting that I planned. It goes against all of my usual work ethic. Even though my blog is public, I haven’t openly been telling people at work, so all I could tell her was that I have a doctor’s appointment I can’t move.

I was sort of banking on my first IUI being today and the second on Tuesday, so I could at least be there the full day Wednesday. So seeing the negative last night, I knew it meant 3 mornings of doctor appointments and it added to the stress/pressure that I already feel with this cycle. And, I know I’m supposed to try not to be stressed…

I went in for the ultrasound and I have two leading follicles, which is good. They had me give myself the trigger shot tonight and I’ll be going in tomorrow AM for the IUI. I’m trying to let go of the guilt of being late to my meeting tomorrow and hoping that I can just relax during the procedure and the 15 minutes afterwards.

I want to think good thoughts. I want to feel like last month was a trial and this is it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write in this next post. Going through another cycle of IUI, I don’t want to repeat the different steps of the process to all of you. While I’m going through the same steps, it feels different this time. There’s a familiarity now that I’m doing this a second time. I know what’s coming and that puts me a little more at ease. I still have apprehension in not knowing exactly when I’ll be ovulating and doing the IUI, but at least I know what to expect when it does happen.

I have a different hesitation or nervousness about it working. It was such a roller coaster to go through the TWW and then not be pregnant. Something was going on in my uterus even if in the end the egg was bad or the embryo didn’t implant. I know that our minds can play tricks on us and that I could have imagined certain things, but I definitely felt cramps a few days post IUI that I have never felt before. It was a different sensation.

Where that sensation felt like it was working, now I’m worried that if I feel it again I’ll think it’s not working. Or if I don’t feel it then I’ll wonder if there’s something wrong. It’s just such a weird experience, which I’m well aware is not unique to me.

I want to keep positive thoughts throughout because I know that my thoughts do have an effect on how my body reacts. It’s harder to be positive this time around, but I know I have to be. I know that it will come, that I’ll get pregnant. I suppose I’m just being impatient.

For now, it looks like I’ll likely be having the IUI Monday/Tuesday. I finished taking this round of Clomid a couple of days ago and should start testing for ovulation in the next couple of days.

“Not Pregnant”

That’s what was staring back at me when my 3 minute timer went off yesterday morning after taking my first home pregnancy test. It was 12 days post my first IUI and although it was 3 days sooner than I was told to test, I couldn’t help myself.

My heart sank as I saw the word “NOT.” I really thought I was pregnant. I was sure of it. Even going into this with a level head and knowing that it’s rare to get pregnant on the first try, I thought I was one of those few lucky ones. I had felt differently the last week and a half then I have before, feeling weird cramps coming from what I assumed was my uterus.
While seeing the result felt disheartening, I was still holding out hope that it was a false negative for testing too early. I somehow almost immediately, like if it was mental, started getting bad menstrual cramps. I can identify what those feel like unlike the cramps I had been feeling last week. The ones I was feeling now used to paralyze me in high school. I tried to ignore them and forge ahead getting ready for work. I was not even to I-95 when I had to turn back around and head home because the cramps were so bad.

I spent the day at home answering work emails, sulking and googling the likelihood of still getting a positive after a negative 12 days post IUI. Every time I read that it could happen, I tried to keep my hopes up. That was until in the evening when my period came and I knew for sure this cycle didn’t work out for me.

I have to tell you that I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I thought I had prepped myself for the inevitably of the first time not working out, but it was still devastating and heartbreaking. While now I am feeling a little better, it was hard to think about this morning without my eyes getting watery. I went in to the doctor for my CD2 ultrasound and to get my Clomid prescription and I felt sad. There’s no other way to explain it. Doing this last month felt so hopeful, like the beginning of something. While I know I should approach this the same, it felt more like being back there because I failed. I know that’s not true and that I didn’t fail at anything. I know what the rational, practical way to feel is, but it’s just not the way I feel. I also know that it was only one try and women go through this for months and years, so I don’t have a right to feel so defeated yet.

I know all of that, but I just needed a day to throw myself a pity party. Now I need to get positive thoughts rolling around to help me with this next try. Here’s hoping that this cycle has a better outcome.

Yesterday morning as I was driving to the doctor’s office for my progesterone test, I all of a sudden thought “Oh sh*t! What am I doing? Am I crazy?”

It’s not that I haven’t thought this before. I actually thought that a lot over the last few years whenever I’d think of this as a possibility, but then all the reasons why I want to do it even if it is crazy supersedes. The reason it struck me so much yesterday is because since the IUI I’ve been eerily calm. Sure, I’ve been stressing about whether I’ll get pregnant this try, but the actual insemination didn’t freak me out like I had expected. On the SMC forums there are lots of threads of women having the same thought I had yesterday. There are those who still have that moment while pregnant and even when they baby is here, but it doesn’t stop them.

I do think it’s unconventional and therefore slightly crazy to decide to have a child alone, without a partner. At the same time, though, I also think that everyone can deal with a little bit of crazy. It’s not going to be easy and I’m sure there will be moments throughout pregnancy and while raising my child, where I’d wish I wasn’t doing this alone. That’s very different from knowing that I can do this alone. A woman on the forum said something along the lines of “If a 16 year old homeless girl can do this, then so can I.” I’ve adopted it as my mantra when I have those mini freak outs.

Other than that, my progesterone level was good so no need for supplementation. I have a little less than a week left in my TWW and I’m still obsessing over every potential symptom or lack of symptom.

I have a confession to make. I’m not going to tell you guys when I’m pregnant.

I know that might sound crazy considering how open I’ve been throughout this process, but I don’t want to make it too public until I make it through the first trimester. I’ve witnessed a couple of times where people have spread the news early on, only to have a miscarriage. Then I’ve seen as someone asks her how the pregnancy is going and watched her try to manage her best not to burst out in tears. The more widespread the news gets, the harder it is if G_d forbid the pregnancy ends.

I’ve debated this a lot in my head over the last few weeks in terms of what I owe my readers (all 10 of you) and what I feel comfortable with. Everyone has been so supportive and I truly appreciate that. I figure that you’ll still be able to know if I get a positive result or not.

If I don’t get a positive pregnancy test this cycle, then I’ll immediately be writing about prepping for the next cycle: what it felt like to get a negative, appointments for the next IUI, etc. If I do get a positive, then I’ll be posting about random stuff not related to my journey to motherhood. So essentially that’s the way I’d be letting you know. I would just ask that all of you respect that by not directly asking me anything about the pregnancy until I make it through the first trimester and announce it. Just pretend you don’t know 🙂

As for where I am today…I have been feeling cramps for the last couple of days although I don’t know if I’m just imagining them. This Friday I have a progesterone blood test. Then on the 24th or 25th, I go in for a pregnancy blood test if I haven’t started a new cycle by then.

Do you remember that episode of Friends where Pheobe gets the embryos implanted (not sure if that’s the right term)? She gets a positive pregnancy that same day. Well that’s not really how it works!

For months since I joined the SMC forum, I’ve been reading all about the horrors of TWW (2 week wait) and now I’m experiencing it first hand. I am officially in TWW after back to back IUIs on Thursday and Friday! It’s pretty surreal and I am strangely calm.

Going in on Thursday morning I was excited and anxious, but while the IUI was being done and as I drove off I was just calm and not anxious at all anymore. It was weird. Since then I’ve had moments of “OMG” but nothing that makes me think this still isn’t the right choice for me right now.

The true torture of TWW is that you notice every twinge in your body and think that it means something. At 1-2 days post IUI it really is nothing that I’m feeling. It might just even be the cramping from the IUI that the nurse said I could experience, but I can’t help visualizing all that could be happening in my tubes and uterus.

I’m keeping positive and hoping that these 2 weeks go by fairly quickly.

This is the week that I’ll have the IUI. Last week was a nice little break from what has felt like the to do list or check list: fertility tests, choosing a donor, waiting for my cycle to start, psych eval, etc. After I went in last Saturday for the ultra sound, I was on a break from all that waiting until I start testing for ovulation this Tuesday.

I’m now starting to get anxious in terms of timing and everything working out the right way. I’m contemplating starting to test tomorrow just in case for some reason I ovulate early. Part of me wants to just get the positive result and go in for the IUI as early in the week as possible. The other part of me hopes that I don’t and I go in for the ultrasound Thursday and then trigger ovulation. For some reason I feel like that would be timed better although I know logically either way would work very similarly as it has to.

Whichever way happens, by this time next week I’ll definitely be in TWW (2 week waiting), which according to everything I read is torture. Most women start to feel every little thing happening in their body mistaking it for pregnancy symptoms that would be too early to have. I’ll wait until I get to the TWW to worry about it. For now I’ll just continue with being anxious for this week and my back to back IUI’s.