Last week I was thinking about how nice it would be to go away for the long weekend; to be somewhere with a beach and a spa where I could feel really far away even if it was only a couple of hours from home. Unfortunately, going away wasn’t doable for a number of reasons. I knew I’d have at least 1 monitoring appointment this weekend. I also can’t be in the sun too long or get overheated per the nurse’s instructions. And lastly, my sister in law is due in the next couple of weeks, so I didn’t want to risk being away.
That all led me to try and figure out what I could do this weekend to help me relax without leaving home. Having been in Arizona a couple of weeks ago for work reminded me of the reiki treatment I had a few years ago. I went into it completely skeptical, but left feeling more relaxed than I ever have from a massage.
I started trying to find somewhere local that has reiki services and called a an Ayurvedic spa that had reiki as an option on their website. When I called, they told me they currently don’t offer reiki, but they have chakra balancing and I figured why not.
I went in yesterday for my balancing and I was pretty skeptical when she started off by having me hold 2 crystals. At the end I was relaxed. It might not have been as amazing as my reiki experience, but I definitely almost fell asleep and truly did feel the energy flowing through my body. Plus last night I slept 10 hours!
It was relaxing, but also moving and somewhat emotional. I had told her before starting that I was trying to get pregnant and had just started IVF. When she was done, she let me know that my 2nd chakra that stands for fertility and creativity is wide open. She felt a lot of energy moving in that chakra. The chakras that she felt were blocked were the 3rd and the 5th.
The 3rd one represents your drive and your confidence to go after what you want. This took me aback at first because ever since I decided to move forward with becoming an SMC, I have never questioned that choice. I might be nervous that I won’t get pregnant, but I don’t think twice about wanting to get pregnant and about being able to raise a child. Then, I realized that it might not necessarily have to do with trying to get pregnant. It could be blocked because of other areas of my life. This drive to be an SMC is probably the most drive that I’ve ever had for anything…the most committed I’ve been to anything and maybe, I just need to apply that same drive to other areas of my life.
The 5th chakra is in your throat and represents communication and expressing yourself. I know that I am pretty open on this blog, so this point might seem like a false reading, but it’s accurate. Writing this blog is vulnerable, but it’s hidden behind a computer screen and it’s probably the extent of me getting vulnerable with anyone. I have never been good about expressing how I’m feeling vocally. Even back in high school, it was easier for me to let a friend know how I was feeling by writing her a letter instead of saying anything to her. That’s just how I’ve always been. It’s almost like it’s safer to keep it myself because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I know that’s not right and I went through years of therapy to be told that, but it’s still hard for me to express how I feel. It just is.
This whole trying to get pregnant process has been the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. I know that I have everyone’s support and logically I know that I don’t need to act strong when I’m not, but I just can’t help myself. I cringe even thinking about posting this and then having people calling or texting me to ask if I’m OK or that they are there for me. I don’t want that kind of attention. I don’t want to talk about it. I want people to just do fun stuff with me and take my mind off things. When I have a failed try, I want someone to just take me out for sushi and wine (and ice cream) instead of asking me if I want to talk. When I’m nervous about an appointment or a step in the process, I want to watch a movie from my adolescence or spend time playing on the floor with the little kids that are part of my life. I don’t want to be asked a bunch of questions that I don’t know the answers too or have to answer the generic question of how I am feeling (does anyone really need to ask this).
Maybe that is running away from talking about how I feel, but if that’s what helps me through the process, then that should be enough for everyone. I do know that for my own well being I have to work on opening up that chakra, but maybe that will come with taking some of that pressure off of feeling like I have to talk about it.