There are many life events that are momentous to the person going through them, and perhaps his/her immediate family, but that’s about it. Then there are those life events, like engagements and weddings, where people come out from all periods of your life to congratulate you.
Up until now I’ve had most of the norm momentous occasions: graduations, promotions, buying a new home and probably others. Not having been engaged or married, I really had no idea what it was like to have the outpouring of love from all over the world. I think this is why the reaction to my pregnancy news has been so overwhelming. It’s been touching how many people are sincerely happy for me and sometimes I think more giddy than I am (likely because I have a lot of anxiety too).
Those of you who read my first post about single motherhood back in December 2014, might remember that some of my hesitation was what people would think about the life choice. I knew that I would have some support, but I had no idea how much of it I would get. I am fully aware that there are those who are not supportive and they are likely and thankfully keeping that to themselves, but the amount of people that have reached out not just with congratulations but with volunteers to help has been amazing.
It’s hard not to feel loved and to not feel like my children will be loved and supported just as fully.
I sometimes still can’t believe that there are 2 babies growing inside me. Plus they are now each the size of an avocado! In all seriousness, it was hard for me to accept at first.
Since I started trying to conceive, there were always the people who told me that hopefully I’d have twins and my reply was always “Hopefully not!” I had seen first hand what it’s been like for my brother and sister in law that I understood enough of the reality and how many hands on deck you need. It was going to be hard enough to raise one on my own, let alone two at the same time.
When I went in for my first beta and it was over 600, the thought twins went through my mind. Obviously since I put in two embryos, I knew it was a probability, but it had been all along and I hadn’t gotten pregnant yet. It didn’t seem like such a big risk. When I went in for the second beta and it had more than doubled, I worried about it to myself. At my first ultrasound, the doctor turned the monitor showing one baby and started talking about the heartbeat. The first words out of my mouth were, “Oh, just one!” His response was, “Well actually…” as he then moved the instrument to show the second baby.
I was ecstatic to be pregnant, but the twins aspect felt really overwhelming. Over time I have gotten much more used to the idea and have come to be fully attached to both of them. There are moments when I’m excited about the friendship they will hopefully forge and how at a certain age they will entertain each other. There are other moments where it still terrifies me, but I think that would happen even with one.
It is overwhelming and should be, I guess. I keep thinking about getting two of almost everything and how much baby stuff I’ll accumulate pretty quickly. Those kinds of things are stressful. But then I also think about double the love, about how they will each have their unique personalities, and most importantly how I was able to give them a sibling which may not have happened if I’d tried to conceive a second time.
This is the longest I’ve gone without a doctor’s appointment in probably a year. Instead of putting me at ease, it actually makes me more nervous. The last time I went to the OB was February 19th. My next appointment is finally this coming Wednesday.
I know this is normal frequency, but after coming from fertility treatments it feels weird not to get checked every week or two. Even when I found out I was pregnant, I had two ultrasounds with the fertility doctor before getting released to my OB.Then with my OB I’ve had two more. I basically got to see the babies every two weeks from when an ultrasound was first possible. Not having seen them for over three weeks now makes me anxious.
I guess that the bright side of having a high risk pregnancy (not only is it twins, but I’m of advanced maternal age) is that I get to see a perinatologist as well, meaning that I’ll have much more frequent ultrasounds than a regular pregnancy. I knew it was good to get pregnant in my late 30’s for a reason!
My belly bump continues to grow which is a good sign that all is progressing. The morning sickness is more or less gone…just some mild nausea in the evening. I’m feeling better in this second trimester. I feel like I have to get as much done in the next couple of months before the 3rd trimester comes around.
Everything is starting to feel more real.
It has definitely felt more real that I’m pregnant lately. There is the fact that lots of people know and then there’s also my belly, which is starting to look more like a pregnancy belly than just fat. I am feeling much better than I was. I have more energy and the mornings this week have been manageable. If I don’t eat every hour, I am OK and don’t end up washed over by a wave of nausea. All in all what they say about the 2nd trimester has started proving itself to be true.
Now that the word is out there, some people who don’t read the blog, have been asking questions on what it took to get here. I’ve started to get some questions about the donor and I was almost embarrassed for not remembering anything. I actually had to pull up the information I printed to remind myself. It’s strange how it was a decision that was so stressful when I made it and then once I bought those vials, I never really thought about him again. There was no reason to really. This whole process was between me and my child(ren) to be and he is nothing more than a donor.
I’m sure when the babies are born I’ll think of him. I’ll look at them trying to figure out who they look like or where they got certain personality traits from. I’ll always have a scapegoat when one of them is being a terror; I can think to myself “Oh, they must get that from the donor! I don’t have a temper like that.”
I will always be thankful to the donor, of course, but this family that I’m creating is me and those twins.