I’m probably about 8-9 weeks from having the babies in my arms. It feels surreal to be getting this close to the end of pregnancy. The initial months of morning sickness and exhaustion seem really far away, yet in some way the months flew by.
I have been pleasantly surprised at how well I’ve felt since those first months and how my body has taken to the pregnancy. I always thought I would swell up everywhere, but without doing much of anything, that hasn’t happened. I do feel more and more uncomfortable, which is natural, and I have anemia. Aside from that, I can’t really complain. When I first got pregnant I thought that for sure by this time I’d be ready to stop working; that I might be on bed rest or that it would be too difficult to drive or move around. While the drive is brutal and I am slower, I’m doing OK. Part of me wishes I was done with work, but I know I can make it a bit longer.
This weekend is the weekend of baby showers. I’ve started to receive gifts from my registry in advance. Tomorrow is my work shower and then Sunday in my other one. It’s exciting, but also feels a little strange to be celebrated in this way. I don’t think that anyone has thrown me a party since my 16th birthday.
Tomorrow I’m also going to interview a pediatrician, which hopefully I like and can cross that off the list. I started childbirth classes last weekend and have one more class on Saturday.
My plans for next weekend are to finish buying anything I need for the babies arrival that I don’t get this weekend. Plus to finish organizing my house for the cribs and changing table. Once all of that is done and carseats installed, I’ll feel much more ready (or as ready as I can be) for the babies’ arrival.
Have you ever been in a crowded room and never felt more lonely? It’s that dichotomy of being surrounded by people, yet it highlighting the fact that you are alone.
This is how I feel sometimes while pregnant and single. Everyone, even strangers, are asking me lots of questions, wishing me luck, smiling, etc. I should be feeling all the love and warmth and taking that to mean that I’ve actually never been more accompanied by others. What happens though in certain moments is that it highlights for me how alone in this I am.
It’s the reality. It’s what I chose. And I know that it’s still the best decision I’ve made in my life. There are definite aspects of doing this alone that are perks: I don’t have to ask for anyone’s agreement on what I’m buying, choosing the pediatrician, setting a birth plan, etc. All the decisions are mine to make. The downside is not having someone there to share in those random moments like seeing your belly move as you lay in bed or celebrating passing your glucose test with a big bowl of ice cream. Or even having someone to share in those fears that come as you embark on first time parenthood and LABOR.
At times I sit here at home relishing in vegging on the couch with a book or good movie and knowing that pretty soon I’ll have a 24/7 job and at least a couple of people in my house at any given time. I know to appreciate those little moments of calm before the storm that I’m willingly heading into. I also love envisioning my little family and life with my two babies. Walking them in their strollers, kissing them good night, seeing their happy faces as they wake up in the morning. All those moments make me emotional with happiness. I’m sure I’ll have times of feeling alone then, but that’s the life I am excited for.
What I think is difficult is the pregnancy alone. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be surrounded by people all the time. Every once in a while would be nice, but not all the time. It’s really all part of the beginnings of single motherhood.