As I drove to my IUI earlier this week, I started thinking about how much I wanted this. How each failed attempt only reinforced this desire to get pregnant and have a baby. Even though they have each been hard in their own way, I’ve never regretted what I was doing or stopped to think whether I should be. Each time my period arrives, I just immediately start planning the next cycle without hesitation.

This last time my mom asked me if I didn’t want to take a break. My answer was a very clear no. I don’t want to stop. I know what I want and taking a month off means prolonging it. I realize that all of this is likely taking a toll on my body and I completely understand where my mom was coming from, but I just couldn’t imagine stopping.

If this attempt fails, I’ll likely would take a month off to gear up for IVF, but at least it would be with a more aggressive game plan for the next try. Right now, though, I’m trying to stay focused on happy thoughts. I’m visualizing fertilization and implantation as my little embryo makes its way to my uterine wall and fits snugly and tightly on the uterine lining.

The funny thing is that a friend was telling me to visualize it stapled, nailed, glued, etc. to my uterus. Then she asked if I had seen Look Who’s Talking. I had to laugh because when I do my visualization I picture the exact opening sequence from that movie! I actually watched it recently a little after I started on this journey.

I’m going to keep funneling my thoughts in the positive direction and hope for the best once again. What all of this emotional roller coaster has taught me over the last several months is that I really do want this and that I am going to be able to do this as a single mother. If I’ve made it through this whole process, I’m confident that I’ll be able to handle everything that comes with motherhood. I may not always handle it gracefully, but I’ll handle it.

I survived the week getting new windows and doors installed. Honestly I don’t know how certain companies stay in business with the complete lack of customer service and professionalism. Something that should have been a 2-3 day job took 5 days and what I feel is a messy end work product. I like the windows, but the whole install was a bit of a disaster and the company could care less. Instead of apologizing or trying to correct some of the issues, they just had a bunch of BS excuses.

At least they are in. Now I just have to do a bunch of touch ups to get the rest of my house back to where it was.

It’s probably a good thing I’m not in any early stages of pregnancy or in my next TWW because I think the stress would have messed with me even worse. My next IUI will probably be around Thursday of the coming week. I finished the clomid on Thursday and tonight need to give myself the Gonal F shot again. I’m not looking forward to that. Then Tuesday I go in for the ultrasound and blood work to determine when to trigger and when the IUI will be scheduled.

I also have an appointment with the doctor on the 29th to talk about IVF as an option if this next try doesn’t work. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that and that the 5th try is the one that sticks, but I want to be prepared just in case. The thought of IVF scares me, but if it’s going to get me pregnant more quickly then I’m at the point of considering it. The emotional toll of all this trying is getting to me and I’m also not loving taking all of these medications. Before I started trying, I hardly ever took anything…not even advil, so it does worry me what all these medications are doing to my body.

I keep visualizing being pregnant, holding my baby in my arms, then holding his/her hand walking down the street…

I am still not pregnant.

I’m having a hard time finding the words right now to express how I feel without being redundant. I had really high hopes this time around. My response to the meds was great and I was on progesterone, so it seemed like the odds were in my favor. Yet here I am again starting clomid and filling prescriptions for the shots I’ll need to give myself.

I feel defeated. I feel worried that this might never happen for me. I feel like I can’t stop until I get pregnant.

When I first started TTC, I told myself that if I had 6 IUI’s then I’d consider moving forward with IVF. It felt appropriate considering that a doctor wouldn’t even see me until 6 failed tries if I was doing this the old fashioned way. The thing is that I never really believed that I wouldn’t be pregnant after 6 tries. I knew that the first try was a long shot, but I was sure that it would only take me 2-3 tries.

Now that I’m here with 4 tries and no pregnancy, I’m ready to at least have the IVF consult, so that I know exactly what it entails and can start prepping in the event that I have to go that route. I’m continuing on with this cycle in the hopes that it’s lucky #5, but I also want to prepare for what might happen.

This whole process is just brutal, but I know I won’t regret it once I’m holding my baby in my arms.

I have been single for most of my life. It’s not for a lack of wanting to be in a relationship, but of not having found many men that I actually want to be in a relationship with. I’d rather be alone than with someone that I’m not genuinely interested in.

I know that I was too picky in my 20’s, not giving some guys the chance they deserved and maybe dismissing them for something silly early on. But I also know that over the last few years I made a conscious effort to give these guys a chance, but there haven’t been many that have been worth it. There have been those that I did like, we dated briefly, but then they weren’t interested. All of this to say that while I would love to still find the right man for me, I would prefer to be single than with the wrong one. I am not sad because I am single. I would be sadder in a relationship without love.

Sometimes I feel that people can’t understand this and so they assume that there is something wrong with not being part of a couple; they almost don’t even know how to react to someone like me. The assumption is also made that I have no clue what being in a relationship or being in love is like, which is ridiculous. I have been in love, so definitely do know what that feels like. Besides romantic relationships, I have tons of other relationships in my life, which all require some semblance of compromise, patience, good and bad times. It’s not like I live in some relationship bubble.

I am very much aware that when you meet the right person, and when you are in love, certain quirks, personality traits or history don’t weigh as much on you as they would with the wrong person. Years ago I wrote something about how the phrase shouldn’t be “love is blind”, but instead should be “love blinds us.” I was writing that after a relationship ending and having the perspective of things I had dismissed while in the relationship even though they had been signs of what was to come. I know very well that we can let things go when we want the relationship to work out. The thing is that I also know that you do many times see those flags, even if they are just yellow, and proceed with caution because you are in love. You still see them though, and decide to forge ahead because you believe this person is worth it.

I don’t appreciate people assuming that I just dismiss men because of yellow or red flags. I will perhaps keep my eyes and ears open, which is something I see as wise.

What constitutes the right man for me is not on some check list. I don’t know exactly what he looks like, what his hobbies are, or what movies (if any) he likes to watch. There are things I’d like him to be interested in or ways that I’d like him to act, but that could change with the right connection to someone. I know that I’ll likely love having a partner in crime, but will also need some “me” time mostly because of my introverted nature. Although even that could be different with the right guy. There isn’t a right or wrong for couples in terms of how much time they spend together or if they have different friends or like different foods. There are all different types of couples for different personalities, so it bugs me when people assume that I’m anti-relationship if I make a comment about something being OK for me in relationship that wouldn’t be OK for them.

Sorry, or maybe not, about the long vent. I only want people to stop viewing single women as desperate or anti-relationship. I, at least, am happy in my life and have chosen to live it the way that I want with the hope that one day I’ll have a partner to share it with me.