As I drove to my IUI earlier this week, I started thinking about how much I wanted this. How each failed attempt only reinforced this desire to get pregnant and have a baby. Even though they have each been hard in their own way, I’ve never regretted what I was doing or stopped to think whether I should be. Each time my period arrives, I just immediately start planning the next cycle without hesitation.
This last time my mom asked me if I didn’t want to take a break. My answer was a very clear no. I don’t want to stop. I know what I want and taking a month off means prolonging it. I realize that all of this is likely taking a toll on my body and I completely understand where my mom was coming from, but I just couldn’t imagine stopping.
If this attempt fails, I’ll likely would take a month off to gear up for IVF, but at least it would be with a more aggressive game plan for the next try. Right now, though, I’m trying to stay focused on happy thoughts. I’m visualizing fertilization and implantation as my little embryo makes its way to my uterine wall and fits snugly and tightly on the uterine lining.
The funny thing is that a friend was telling me to visualize it stapled, nailed, glued, etc. to my uterus. Then she asked if I had seen Look Who’s Talking. I had to laugh because when I do my visualization I picture the exact opening sequence from that movie! I actually watched it recently a little after I started on this journey.
I’m going to keep funneling my thoughts in the positive direction and hope for the best once again. What all of this emotional roller coaster has taught me over the last several months is that I really do want this and that I am going to be able to do this as a single mother. If I’ve made it through this whole process, I’m confident that I’ll be able to handle everything that comes with motherhood. I may not always handle it gracefully, but I’ll handle it.