Have you ever been in a crowded room and never felt more lonely? It’s that dichotomy of being surrounded by people, yet it highlighting the fact that you are alone.
This is how I feel sometimes while pregnant and single. Everyone, even strangers, are asking me lots of questions, wishing me luck, smiling, etc. I should be feeling all the love and warmth and taking that to mean that I’ve actually never been more accompanied by others. What happens though in certain moments is that it highlights for me how alone in this I am.
It’s the reality. It’s what I chose. And I know that it’s still the best decision I’ve made in my life. There are definite aspects of doing this alone that are perks: I don’t have to ask for anyone’s agreement on what I’m buying, choosing the pediatrician, setting a birth plan, etc. All the decisions are mine to make. The downside is not having someone there to share in those random moments like seeing your belly move as you lay in bed or celebrating passing your glucose test with a big bowl of ice cream. Or even having someone to share in those fears that come as you embark on first time parenthood and LABOR.
At times I sit here at home relishing in vegging on the couch with a book or good movie and knowing that pretty soon I’ll have a 24/7 job and at least a couple of people in my house at any given time. I know to appreciate those little moments of calm before the storm that I’m willingly heading into. I also love envisioning my little family and life with my two babies. Walking them in their strollers, kissing them good night, seeing their happy faces as they wake up in the morning. All those moments make me emotional with happiness. I’m sure I’ll have times of feeling alone then, but that’s the life I am excited for.
What I think is difficult is the pregnancy alone. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be surrounded by people all the time. Every once in a while would be nice, but not all the time. It’s really all part of the beginnings of single motherhood.