All my fertility tests are done and Tuesday I have the follow up with the doctor to dissect all the results and talk about next steps. What I know at this point is that my blood test results looked within range, my ovarian reserve is good and my tubes are not blocked. After a small scare that I might have polyps or fibroids during the HSG, I luckily got in for an SIS ultrasound the next day and confirmed that everything is OK. So it’s looking promising for moving forward next month.

While I’m 100% sure that I want to do this, my emotions are all over the map and that’s with my non-medicated regular hormones. One minute I’m really excited and the next I’m terrified. As much as I have my family and friends supporting me, I’m still going to be a parent on my own…I will be a one woman show. Of course, I have hope that some day I will still meet someone, but I can’t think of that as a given and I don’t know when that might be.

There’s the upside of getting to make all the parenting decisions without having to compromise with someone else, but there’s the downside of not having someone to bounce ideas off of when it comes to names or pediatricians or nannies. There’s the thought of feeling the first kick one night and not being able to turn to someone in excitement to say “Feel this” or of going into labor in the middle of the night and not have your partner there scrambling for the bag you packed.

I know what I am doing is not conventional. I realize that it is going to be hard. I guess what keeps me sure that I want to move forward is that I can picture my life with my child and it all feels worth it. I can picture him/her smiling at me, yelling that they hate me, laughing with me and growing up before my eyes. I am aware that it won’t be easy, but it isn’t easy for anybody.

I can imagine all the moments through this process when I’ll be scared, but sometimes the scariest things in life are the ones most worth it. You leap and the net will appear.