Not this time

“Not Pregnant”

That’s what was staring back at me when my 3 minute timer went off yesterday morning after taking my first home pregnancy test. It was 12 days post my first IUI and although it was 3 days sooner than I was told to test, I couldn’t help myself.

My heart sank as I saw the word “NOT.” I really thought I was pregnant. I was sure of it. Even going into this with a level head and knowing that it’s rare to get pregnant on the first try, I thought I was one of those few lucky ones. I had felt differently the last week and a half then I have before, feeling weird cramps coming from what I assumed was my uterus.
While seeing the result felt disheartening, I was still holding out hope that it was a false negative for testing too early. I somehow almost immediately, like if it was mental, started getting bad menstrual cramps. I can identify what those feel like unlike the cramps I had been feeling last week. The ones I was feeling now used to paralyze me in high school. I tried to ignore them and forge ahead getting ready for work. I was not even to I-95 when I had to turn back around and head home because the cramps were so bad.

I spent the day at home answering work emails, sulking and googling the likelihood of still getting a positive after a negative 12 days post IUI. Every time I read that it could happen, I tried to keep my hopes up. That was until in the evening when my period came and I knew for sure this cycle didn’t work out for me.

I have to tell you that I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I thought I had prepped myself for the inevitably of the first time not working out, but it was still devastating and heartbreaking. While now I am feeling a little better, it was hard to think about this morning without my eyes getting watery. I went in to the doctor for my CD2 ultrasound and to get my Clomid prescription and I felt sad. There’s no other way to explain it. Doing this last month felt so hopeful, like the beginning of something. While I know I should approach this the same, it felt more like being back there because I failed. I know that’s not true and that I didn’t fail at anything. I know what the rational, practical way to feel is, but it’s just not the way I feel. I also know that it was only one try and women go through this for months and years, so I don’t have a right to feel so defeated yet.

I know all of that, but I just needed a day to throw myself a pity party. Now I need to get positive thoughts rolling around to help me with this next try. Here’s hoping that this cycle has a better outcome.

2 thoughts on “Not this time”

  1. Hola Sharon! Hay que ser positivo, y para adelante, en la vida hay tropiezos pero eso te hace mas fuerte… que vas a lograr lo que mas quieres, ese bebe va a llegar mas adelante! Sigue tu camino, que pronto tendrás tu chiquitico en brazos!
    Un beso grande

  2. Don’t say you don’t have a right to feel defeated. You have every right to feel the sadness and loss. It is heartbreaking. I remember it well. I always tried to remind myself that my baby was out there just waiting to come to me, and that although I didn’t know when he would decide to join me, he would when he was ready. Your baby knows exactly the right time to join you, and once he does all of the disappointment just melts away 🙂

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