Last week I was at the beach and there were these three girls, probably 6 or 7 years old. Two of them were each holding a big stick and the other girl walked between them as if being held captive. As they walked by where I was sitting, the girl in the middle said “I don’t like this game.” With that she broke through and started walking ahead. Immediately, the other two girls dropped their sticks and said, “I don’t like this game.” They ran behind the other girl.

I sighed and thought Oh, girls… It was not some big moment, but having been a little girl I could sense the play of power by the girl that seemed to be the leader. She was most likely the one that came up with whatever game they were playing, only to suddenly change her mind and make it seem lame to the others. It’s not a cruel thought out maneuver at that age. I don’t even think that as a 6 year old girl you know what you’re doing, but it’s done.

I can relate to being both the leader and the follower as I think I switched between those roles through childhood depending on the friend. As the follower, you want to belong so badly. You don’t want to be caught liking something that might seem uncool or babyish. As the leader, you are almost accepting this power you feel the others have given to you or that you think you’ve earned and are taking charge. This is obviously pre the teenage mean girl years.

As you get into those tween or teen years, you tend to settle into one role or another more permanently. It’s no longer as easy to switch between being a leader and follower; at least that was my experience.

Without me saying anything about what I had just seen with the three girls, my sister in law pointed to the one that had been in the middle and said, “That girl is definitely the leader.” Then she looked at my one year old niece and said, “I hope she’s not a follower. I hope she has good self esteem.”

Her hope is not necessarily that she boss her friends around and tell them what and how to feel. Her hope is that her self esteem is high enough that she doesn’t feel the need to take anyone else’s lead; that she not be afraid to be who she is regardless of what others think is cool. I think that’s what most parents want for their kids and it’s difficult to raise your kids to not fall into that peer pressure.

Currently, at one years old, my niece has that don’t f**k with me attitude. But at one what does that determine? It’s hard to know what all the factors are that come into play. There’s a lot done at home to build up children’s self esteem but I can imagine that friends make a big impact too. I have no training in this and do not have kids of my own yet, but can only imagine how hard it is to raise strong (but not mean) kids.

I also sense that those leaders that are actually bullies have low self esteem themselves. So what I hope for my niece is that she feels strong enough to carve her own path and not feel like her and her friends have to be exact replicas of themselves. They can have their own interests and still be friends. I’d rather her not be a follower or a leader if that makes sense.