How much to share

Some of you may be wondering where I am on my single mother decision. I know that I said I would share all of this with you, but I feel a little awkward doing it. It’s rare to hear people talking about trying to conceive even when they are married or in committed relationships. It is something that you hardly hear people talk about until they announce they are pregnant. On the other hand, I have felt strangely comforted by the online forums with so many women who have or are going through the same thing as me, which makes me want to share so that others don’t feel so alone in their decision.

I recently read an article that someone posted on Facebook (yes, I get much of my news from there to my brother’s horror). The article was specifically talking about married women in the Jewish community who are having trouble conceiving. It speaks to the fact that these couples often suffer in silence through miscarriages and fertility treatments because that has been the norm. Nobody from the community offers to bring them a meal or offers support. They come to community events with a smile on their face hiding the hard times that they are going through. They become isolated in those hardships without knowing that many others in the community are suffering from similar issues.

While I don’t equate what I’m doing to those hardships at all (and I don’t expect anyone to bring me meals), the similarity lies in keeping the “trying to conceive” part a secret. Since nobody talks about it, then it makes me feel awkward to share. It’s the reason you’re getting moments of silence from me. I have to keep pushing myself to share. Not for myself, really, but because even if one person reads this who is thinking about doing the same thing and feels less alone then it can help.

With a trip to North Carolina to end 2014 and then going to Israel, I sort of lost some of the momentum that I felt after laying it all out there with my posts in December. I never stopped thinking about it, but it was just thoughts and no action. I kept stalling when it came to making an appointment with the specialist my doctor recommended. Mostly because procrastination is in my nature and partly because I have a weird phone phobia about calling places even if it’s just to schedule appointments, make reservations or order delivery. You don’t understand how Open Table and online appointments have helped this strange and irrational phobia that I have.

However, some appointments you need to do over the phone, especially the first one going to a specialist like this where I actually had questions to ask them. Making the appointment wasn’t going to signify making a decision. “It can’t hurt” was what one of my friends told me. It would just help me speak about my options with someone and get a better sense of what my next steps should be if I choose to move forward with it.

I finally made the call yesterday and got something scheduled. Once I was on the phone, it was painless. They told me to set aside 2 hours for the appointment because there’s a physical checkup, but then also plenty of time to talk with the doctor. While 2 hours sounds overwhelming, it was comforting to know I’d get that much time with them and hopefully come out of there with a little clearer direction.

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