I wish I was writing a post about the book I just finished reading or how crazy my work week has been (it has!), but instead I’m writing about how I am not pregnant.

6 months in and 5 attempts later and still not pregnant. The phrase “not pregnant” feels so heavy. It makes the loud sound of a thud in my head and in my gut.

When I started all of this, I knew realistically that I wouldn’t get pregnant on the first try, but I thought it wouldn’t take more than 2-3 tries. I was actually really worried about miscarriage. For some reason I thought it wouldn’t be hard for me to get pregnant, but I had this big fear about miscarrying and how gut wrenching that would be.

Now I just want to be pregnant. The failed attempts have been gut wrenching enough. Getting pregnant will feel like at least the first step in success, but I still can’t even fathom what a miscarriage would feel like. And I hope I never do.

I’m still processing another failed IUI, so I’m not going to go on and on. I’ll be moving on to IVF and will write more once I’ve had more time to come to terms with all of this.