A couple of weeks ago when I was telling one of my past employees, who still works in the company, that I was leaving my current position, she told me where she really thought I had gone for my sabbatical.

She said, “You were gone just long enough to have been on a reality show! We’ve been trying to figure out which one.”

I thought it was hilarious and I guess nowadays it’s what a lot of people do. It seems people had been talking about me while I was gone and some had their theories.

The reality show has become somewhat of a joke now between a few of us. Yesterday as I was meeting with someone she made a comment about whether the show I went to do was about to air. She hinted at a “Bachelor” type show to which I assured her I would never do. Not only does the whole concept gross me out a little bit, but I would not do a show where I’d have to wear a bikini everyday on air. I have standards!

She then joked about Real World to which I told her that it was likely if it was the 1990’s version and not what it is today. Although at this point, I’m way too old to be on that show 🙂

I wonder what people are thinking now. Although I haven’t decided whether to permanently leave the company as a whole, people know that I’m waffling between a new position and leaving, so let the rumors begin. Perhaps I’m waiting to hear whether I’ll be the next Bachelorette after my season airs!

The end of summer or back to school time brings in a wave of college nostalgia to my shore. Over the last few years it gets heightened by all the Smith pictures on Instagram and Facebook. It’s more than just nostalgia for the first time I went off on my own and met new people from different backgrounds and cities. That’s definitely a big part of it, but it’s also a yearning for Smith…for what life was like there and for those specific college friends. It was a time and place that can never be replicated and it was truly special.

My family, more like my brothers, makes fun of how I talk about Smith so fondly. When I mention someone who went there or talk about some experience I had while there, they roll their eyes. When I say I read a certain book because a Smithie wrote it, they laugh. I can’t help it though. I feel pride in where I went to school and feel so lucky that this is where I ended up.

I don’t know if I completely believe in fate, but ending up as Smith is one of those life moments that I believe was simply meant to be. I’ve written before about over thinking every decision and about only making a few where I didn’t put too much thought into it. Going to Smith was one of those. I had never heard of it before I got the brochure in the mail. My total anal teenage self looked at every brochure that came in the mail and separated them into piles of yes, no and maybe. Smith ended up in the yes pile and as my parents and I planned a trip to visit colleges in the Boston area the summer before my senior year, it was one of the schools I decided to go see. It was the only school that I scheduled an interview for. To this day I don’t know why I did that, but I did.

As we walked through the campus on the tour, I fell more and more in love. Not only did I love that there was no core curriculum and that there were houses instead of dorms, but the campus was breathtaking. It was everything that I had imagined having watched tons of movies based in New England prep schools and colleges. I came back from that trip knowing that Smith was my first choice.

I still remember that first day so vividly. I remember what I was wearing. I remember how I felt as we walked into Central Check-In. And I definitely can still recall the nausea as my parents left me alone in my room.
Smith played a big role in shaping who I am today. It pushed me out of my comfort zone and I was forced to meet new people. In junior high and high school, I didn’t join clubs. I didn’t want to be involved in school politics. I had my close group of friends and that was it. At Smith, I ran for positions in my house becoming one of the HONS (Head of New Students) my sophomore year and then House VP as a senior. I joined Crapapella, an amazing acapella group for those that love to sing but are tone deaf. I attribute my willingness to join new things to a sense of confidence that Smith helped build within me. When you are surrounded by so many amazing women who push themselves to excel, you push yourself as well.

So when I see the pictures of house banners being put up to welcome new students and of these young women heading to Convocation in their “costumes”, it brings me right back to how I felt while I was there. It’s a slight envy that they are about to embark on such a once in a lifetime experience. They are embarking on a new adventure and there’s nothing like that feeling as you step out to start carving your own path.

This week I got back into cooking dinner a couple of nights a week. I don’t know if I can call it a routine or habit yet until I make it through another week, but at least I can check this week off as a success.

Tuesday night I made some mahi on the grill pan and roasted zucchini and onions with thyme. On Wednesday night I made myself a salad with the leftovers, which was pretty delicious. Then last night I made this pasta that I found on line a couple of years ago that is really good. It has chickpeas, mozzarella, garlic, balsamic and arugula.

I also started bringing healthier snacks to work. I almost always bring a banana with me for an afternoon snack, but I find that even mid-morning I get a little hungry. I don’t actually eat anything unhealthy, but I just end up starving by lunch time. For the last few weeks, I’ve been bringing a big tupperware full of grapes or cherries. I set it out on my desk and snack on that, plus other people stop by for a healthy bite. It’s a much better alternative to the chocolates a lot of people have at their desks.

The last piece that I started doing this week was cardio. I’ve been pretty judiciously going to yoga for at least 2 days a week, which I know is not enough. However, while the yoga is a good workout, I’ve known for awhile I’ve been needing to do cardio as well. Believe it or not, I got up at 5:30 on Tuesday morning to get in some exercise.

I feel like I’m on a good path and just need to keep the momentum going. I know myself enough to know that it is really easy to convince myself not to do something, so I have to stay strong.

I was having dinner with a friend last night and we were talking about where I might be headed career wise. Next week the announcement of my departure from my current role will come out, along with starting a slightly pared down schedule in September.

She was telling me how happy she was for me that I chose to take the time to step back and figure out what I wanted to do. We started talking about what it is that I’d like to do next and the fact that I still don’t really know what that will be. I told her that I was very clear about what I don’t want, but not that lucid on what I do want. While it’s a start, it’s not much.

Then she said something that has been resonating with me ever since. She said that if we keep looking towards what we don’t want, that’s exactly where we’ll keep heading. She rides a motorcycle and when she was starting out and taking lessons, this is what they taught her about riding. If you look in the direction of the electrical pole, then you’ll likely end up crashing into it. Instead you should be looking towards the direction you want to go in.

It seems like a simple concept, but it’s one that is hard to practice in life. Since I’m not completely sure of where I want to head career wise (I know, you’re probably getting sick of this constant indecisive search of mine), the first step is to stop looking back towards what I know is not for me. It keeps the other areas wide open for exploration.

Like my pet peeve of someone sitting right next to me in a movie theater when there are plenty of open seats, I hate when people feel the need to crowd around me at the baggage claim when there’s tons of open spaces around the conveyor. I really don’t understand it. I purposefully keep my distance from where the luggage comes out because I’d rather wait a few more seconds than be standing in the midst of a crowd. I get there, I choose my spot, and I wait. It’s annoying enough that as we wait for the bags to arrive, people decide to start crowding around me…like right next to me. It’s not like we are waiting in line or something. They can stand two feet away from me.

Then the bags start coming out and they start coming closer on either side or try to get in front of me in the little space between where I stand and the conveyor. Grabbing their enormous bags forcing me to keep moving around to avoid being majorly hit by said bags. It becomes like an obstacle course or that Wipeout game on TV where I’m avoiding these large swinging foam thingies, except they are not made of foam. It’s like they can’t wait the 2 more seconds it’s going to take for the bag to get where they are standing.

Today this man was almost like pacing around me as the bags were circling. Every once in awhile he’d get right in front of me to look closely at a bag that was passing. He wouldn’t touch it. He’d just kind of bend down staring at it until it passed and then move to my left. I actually started getting a little paranoid thinking that maybe he was just going for the carry on I had on the ground between my legs…that the minute I’d move away to get my suitcase, he’d grab it and run. I know it’s silly, but he was strange.

People wanting to be in such close proximity to others they don’t know is weird. It’s like they have no concept of personal space.

I honestly have tons of pet peeves about airports and traveling. I’m not quite as organized or anal as George Clooney’s character in Up in the Air, but I have my quirks. I’ll just leaving it to the baggage claim etiquette for today.

I have to get back to cooking dinner at least twice a week. Around the time that I moved, I started cooking less and haven’t been able to get back into the habit or routine. Every so often I get what I think is a little jump start, but then it goes away again. I can’t blame it on work and getting home too tired to cook because I barely cooked the two months that I was off. It’s about discipline, a plan and routine. I know this about myself, yet it’s so hard to get back to it. If I go do my food shopping without a list then I buy tons of veggies, but nothing that then I can figure out how to make into a meal. I need to sit down and pick out my menu for the week and derive a shopping list off of that. This is how I got it to work before. It’s really not that big of a deal…I just need to make 2 complete meals a week. The leftovers then last me for the other nights a week that I eat at home.

The crazy thing is that when I was being much more disciplined about my home cooking and regularly going to yoga, I was feeling great. I was thinking to myself that there’s no reason to not continue with what I’m doing and maintain, but then it’s like one slip then takes you down the rest of the slope. I’m not eating everything in sight, but I haven’t been as conscious of portion control. I’ve never been a dieter. I don’t believe in diets. It’s more just about eating in moderation. I really can just take a couple of bites of the dessert or eat only 1/3 of the fries on the plate. And that works for me. I got off track and started eating more than I need to. It takes a little while for the weight gain to start showing, so I think I’m still in control and then one day I notice my pants are feeling tighter.

It’s not that I’m eating garbage necessarily and it’s not like I’ve gained all the weight back. It helps that I’m still exercising and so I’m fitter than I used to be. I just know I could be doing better. I don’t want to be stick thin and long ago I accepted that my body type doesn’t allow me to ever be a size 2 or even 6 most times. As long as I feel good and look good to myself I’m fine. I think I’ve just reached that point to where I know I could be healthier.

The traveling for work doesn’t help either as it takes me out of whatever routine I have going on. Not only does it make it harder to get in regular exercise, but it also means eating out for 3 meals a day 5 days a week. It’s tough. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve been out of town twice and am about to take another trip on Monday. The good news is that soon I won’t have to do that monthly travel anymore.

Putting all this out into the universe or this blog is my way of admitting that I’ve not only realized I’ve gotten off track but I’m committing getting back on track. So after this next trip to CA, I am going to plan my weekly menu and get right back into the habit of cooking myself balanced meals.

I’m sorry I haven’t written all week…I have writer’s block I guess. Every night this week, I’d get home from work saying to myself that I needed to write a post, but I couldn’t think of anything worth writing about. Even today I spent most of the day vegging out at home and I still haven’t been inspired by anything. So now you’re stuck with me writing about how I have nothing to write about.Fascinating!

In case anyone was wondering, I did end up having a phone call with the person who had pissed me off at work the week before. My boss was on the call too and by that point I had calmed down. I did end up pointing out some things to him, but decided overall to be diplomatic and political and move forward. At the end of the day, I’m on my way out of this position, so I don’t have to deal with him much longer. It seemed like the better approach to just try and move forward and leave things somewhat stable for my department. I did face the conflict, just not as head on as I could have…baby steps.

I can tell you that I am really ready to move on from my current job.

When I got back, everyone kept saying how much I was “glowing” and how relaxed I was. I was able to keep it for the first few weeks because I also kept reminding myself in the back of my head that this was temporary. But this last week or so has started to take its toll and I want to stay more balanced. I told my boss that I want to start phasing out even before a replacement is found and start working on a more flexible schedule. I’ll be back out in the California office the week after next and so we’ll be finalizing a job posting for my replacement and my schedule.

I’m hoping the flexibility gives me the time to not only keep that “glow”, but to also start working on my next move. There are a couple of options, but I have to spend more time fleshing them out.

I’ve always had an issue with addressing conflict face to face. In the heat of the moment, I’m afraid that I won’t be as eloquent as I want to be, that I won’t get my point across, that I’ll be interrupted, or get so frustrated that I end up crying even though it’s more anger tears than anything else. It was easier for me to write down how I was feeling. I remember writing letters like that to friends when I was younger. I’d get it all out, then they’d read it and then hopefully we could have a conversation, even if still an argument. I felt like I was “heard” in my letter and then what followed afterwards felt more manageable.

That method serves its purpose somewhat, but it’s not really ideal, and as an adult it’s harder to get away with it. Work is one of those places where this is particularly difficult for me, mainly because of the crying part. Tears aren’t professional, even if they are “I’m pissed off” tears.

In the past couple of days a situation arose at work that I can’t let slide and that emails won’t resolve. It’s a situation where even an email airing out my initial grievances is not going to take away from how pissed off I’m still going to be when we talk. It’s somebody that I already have trust issues with and quite frankly don’t like, but had accepted as one of those people that you have work with even if you’d never break bread with them.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m far from perfect…I have a temper and sometimes little patience if I’ve already explained something a couple of times. However, I do pride myself on being a genuine person, both personally and professionally. I am cordial even if I don’t like you, but I don’t go out of my way to gush about you or hug you if I don’t like you. It is not in my nature to be fake. This person that I am having the issue with is the fakest person I know. From the very beginning of our working relationship, he’s done very little to ever have a conversation whether in person, phone or email that had anything of substance. Instead of actually giving a direct answer on a question, it’s some vague response and then some comment about how I’m a superstar. It makes me gag every time. I just have very little trust in this person, but I accepted that we had to work together and always kept my guard up.

This week, however, he decided to basically dress down some of my hardest working employees in front of his team. This is something he never would have done if I had been in the room. As one of my team members, who never takes things personally, angrily told me what had happened, I grew more angry by the minute.

I went back to my hotel that night knowing that I’d have to talk to this colleague but trying to figure out the best approach. Email him first with some thoughts asking to meet about it later? Just approach him directly without any forewarning? It ended up going in another direction when I seized the opportunity of my company meeting presentation the next morning to at a minimum refute what he said the day before to the whole company. I did not reference him or use his name, but I basically advised the group about how things really work and should work – as a collaborative effort. This then ended in a barrage of emails from him (with our boss CC’ed) trying to explain himself and basically denying everything that I was told. We never got our face to face before I left the office.

So now I have a looming “appointment” on Monday to hash through the situation with him. At least it will be over the phone. I know that as part of my personal and professional growth, I need to approach situations like these head on. I need to take a deep breath and get out my points as eloquently as if I were writing it down. Wish me luck.

I’ve already written 2 posts in the last couple of weeks about my Jewish identity and Israel although I’ve really only skimmed the surface about how I am feeling about the current situation in Israel and, quite frankly, around the world. I’ve struggled with whether to write more about it and whether I should just present facts instead of including feelings. The truth is that I am scared and pretty horrified with all the anti-Semitism creeping up around the globe. It was always there…it had to have been for it to rise up so easily in people.

Throughout my 30+ years of life, I’ve seen the Israeli-Palestinian conflict boiling under the surface and then boil over only for it to go under the surface again (because it’s always there). I’ve seen news about suicide bombers in Israel. I’ve watched Clinton standing beside Arafat and Rabin asking them to shake hands knowing that this “peace” was only momentary. I slept in a bomb shelter when in Israel 19 years ago because the sirens had gone off where we were staying. I worried about my younger brother when he went to Israel as rockets rained down on northern Israel.

What’s happening right now feels different. Perhaps it’s social media that makes one more hyper aware of what is going on. My newsfeed continues to be filled with people’s own thoughts of what is happening in Israel and Gaza, with news clips of people speaking for or against Israel, and updates on people who even amongst the turmoil continue to make Aliya.

But I think it’s definitely more than just social media. There’s definitely a large part of this whole pro-Israel and pro-Palestine that is more about religion than any fight over land. This isn’t about Israel wanting to occupy or conquer Gaza. This isn’t really about the Palestinians wanting their own country. It is about Hamas, who proclaims in its charter that one of its goals is to kill all the Jews.

What happened in Paris earlier this week is extremely frightening. If these people are protesting Israel’s invasion of Gaza or rallying for Palestine, they shouldn’t be attacking French Jews in their synagogue. This was an act of anti-Semitism, plain and simple.

Hamas wants us to be an extinct race in the same way that Hitler did. If that’s not anti-Semitism then I don’t know what is. And as a people, we cannot sit back and just let that happen because of bad PR.

I normally don’t agree with Bill Maher, but he has been very eloquently speaking to what has been going on in Israel and Gaza. Here’s a quote of his that is actually from a few years ago.

Reading the quote for the first time brought chills down my spine. It speaks to how I feel right now.
People have a tendency to root for the underdog and, in this case, they believe that underdog is Hamas. The reality is that Israel doesn’t have to apologize for the fact that it built the armed forces and military equipment to protect itself and its citizens. The reason that there are far less casualties on the Israeli side is because of the Iron Dome, not because Hamas isn’t attacking. However, the more other countries around the world speak against Israel’s actions and completely ignore Hamas’, the more events like those in Paris will happen.

There are things people are doing like raising money or supplies to send to IDF soldiers, as well as rallies being held in different cities. I keep looking within myself to see what else I can do and I think it’s continuing to speak up about the topic, continuing to share and like posts on Facebook that highlight what is happening, so that all my friends, no matter the religion, can be exposed to information that they might not be getting elsewhere. We’re not in a day and age where people can pretend not to know what’s happening like in the 1930’s. I’m not going to go silent and I know plenty of people who aren’t going to either.

Do you remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books from when we were kids? Sometimes I think it would be cool if life was like that. You choose one path and see how it plays out and then go back and choose another one to see what changes in the outcome. Sometimes you end up in the same place and sometimes you end up somewhere completely different.

I don’t mean it in regretting a decision, so then you go and change your course. It’s more about having, or trying out, new experiences in the same period in your life.

Like I don’t regret for a second choosing where I went to college, but sometimes I wonder if I’d be in the same place now had I chosen a different school. Or what if I hadn’t been waiting outside that sushi restaurant senior year when I re-met the guy who would become by first love and instead had gone to the movies like I had been planning to? Or what if I hadn’t eaten that burger for lunch that made me lethargic for the rest of the day and had decided on that salad with tuna?

Choose Your Adventure or Sliding Doors…however you want to see it. It’s just interesting to think about the different adventures we may have had and the different ones we’ll continue to have.